Friday, February 23, 2007

THE GUYS' GUIDE TO THE OSCARS



Well the Academy Awards ceremony is coming two days from now and guys across America and the world let out a collective groan and yawn.

Actually, so do I. I really can't get too worked up about the Oscars. I may be a big movie nut these days, but obsessing about the Oscars seems to me to be a total, wanton waste of time.

For most guys, the big event that they sit and tune into is the Super Bowl. That's what really counts with us guys: seeing two football teams duke it out, and then tune in to the interesting half-time musical entertainment and all the commercials on TV.

But the Oscars?! Lessee, there's the usual boring Barbara Walters special that only women watch, then you have the red carpet interviews with all these designers doing color commentary on all the latest fashions (who cares, again), and then you tune in to watch some usually hip comedian struggle to try and rev-up an audience filled with uptight Hollywood movie stars and power players. Then it's over, and it's on to coverage of the big parties these big stars attend.

Guys look at this and go so what? Let's face it, this is an event that appeals to WOMEN. If you are a guy who is seriously interested in the Oscars, most other guys will think you are gay or something. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but this awards show has serious problems with the male segment of the population and deservedly so.
Personally, I've never liked the Oscar show, even though I watch it every year. It's a boring show, and my favorite movies never get nominated. You never see a comedy or an action movie winning an Oscar for Best Picture, ever! And the comedians on stage are scared to tell any good jokes lest they offend everyone. In fact, one of the better Oscar telecasts in recent memory was that one hosted by Chris Rock. And I thought he was pretty funny, but everyone hated him anyway. Shows you what I know about my Oscar tastes. My taste is clearly out of step with the awards-crowd in Hollywood.

I watch this Oscar show for reasons that are different from the ones that most other people watch the Oscars for. Mainly, I tune in to see if some actor or director will say something nutty on TV. And also to see how badly the host crashes and burns. But other than that, really, who cares?

I'm going to try and provide a guide to all you guys out there- those of you stuck at home watching the Oscars with your girlfriends- to try and help you get something out of the evening. I mean heck, lots of guys like the movies! You'd think something about the Oscars would appeal to guys!

Anyway, here goes:

(1) Follow the so-called technical awards for special effects, sound, lighting, and all that fun stuff. Usually these awards are dominated by films that are popular with guys- such as Terminator II: Judgement Day, or King Kong, or any of these Steven Spielberg science-fiction efforts. This year Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is up for several awards, and Superman Returns and Poseidon are up for Visual Effects as well. Rats, that isn't much.

(2) Follow your favorite naked movie actresses and see if they win any awards. A guy with time on his hands called Mr. Skin claims that all of this year's Best Actress nominees have done nude scenes at some point in their careers. He claims that the best way to win a Best Actress Oscar is to get naked on-screen in a mainstream movie! True, Charlize Theron and Angelina Jolie won Oscars after getting naked in movies. But by Mr. Skin's logic, actresses like Denise Richards, Demi Moore and Natasha Henstridge ought to be cleaning up! Henstridge would have won Best Actress for Species if this was the criteria, getting naked on screen. And how many movies has Sharon Stone been naked in? She should have won several Oscars by now if this was the criteria they use. Instead she'll likely win a Razzie for Basic Instinct 2.

Anyway, guys might have fun figuring out the movies all these Oscar-nominated actresses appeared naked in. It would kill time.

(3) See the reaction to this year's latest host-comedian and how badly they crash and burn. Jon Stewart bombed last year and Dave Letterman was crucified, and Chris Rock was ripped for his hosting before he even walked on the stage! So it's interesting to see the reaction from the Oscar crowd.

This year Ellen DeGeneres has the gruesome task of trying to entertain these uptights in the audience. Keep in mind that Oscar's idea of a big success is Billy Crystal. Not that he did a bad job or any of that--- in fact he was pretty good--- but this is the most tightly wound, humorless group of people any comedian will have to entertain in their lifetimes. And being edgy and groundbreaking is a big strike against you. Fat chance that Sarah Silverman will ever host this broadcast!

(4) See if anyone makes any political statements at the Oscars- that should be good for a few laughs. Watch out if Al Gore wins something for An Inconvenient Truth and then goes up there and gives the victory speech he never gave on Election Night. Maybe someone will say something about the war. Who knows.

(5) By all means, cheer for Martin Scorsese and The Departed, the only real guy's movie that has a chance to clean up--- a flick filled with violence and mobsters. And if you can't cheer for him, cheer for Clint Eastwood.

(6) Last but not least, check out the usual list of dead people that the Academy runs and see if Anna Nicole Smith is mentioned--- because she appeared in movies, too, believe it or not.

Actually, you know what, why bother watching the Oscars if you're a guy?! Might as well try and find a good action movie to rent, or watch the cartoons over on FOX instead! Anything's better than this.

1 comment:

Reel Fanatic said...

By your very accurate guy standards, Rinko Kikuchi should win the Best Supporting Actress title by a landslide .. No chick looked hotter taking all of her clothes off in a movie in 2006 than she did