Wednesday, August 30, 2006


I finally saw Snakes on a Plane last night.

Heck, I dunno why the box office numbers are so bad for this movie, it was great entertainment! There was violence and a few laughs, and you got to see a few people get eaten by snakes. Scary stuff.

You can tell that the screenwriters watched a lot of those Airport movies from back in the 1970s, and they summoned up all the cliches from those movies and made sure they all got busted. They had the stewardess-flying-the-plane sequence. They had the is-there-a-doctor-on-the-plane sequence, and there was, but of course he's dead. Of course they made sure the pilots were all bumped off, so they had the is-there-a-pilot-on-board-the-plane sequence. And that was pretty funny because the guy they got to land the plane had something like 2,000 hours of flight-simulator video-game experience! I know, I'm giving away the whole plot. But you know the plot already, it's just snakes on a plane ride from Hawaii to Los Angeles. Besides, you've all seen Airport and Airplane. It's the same thing, except with snakes on board slithering around. Nothing new about that.

And they even had this big requisite happy ending, but I don't see why any of these people should be celebrating! I mean, people died, darnet!!! If the all-news TV channels had covered this thing it would have been a national tragedy. "Snakes Kill People! Terrorism!" Anderson Cooper would have been roasting the authorities for allowing this lapse in security to happen. You get the idea.

The snakes were a riot. I mean, they went after all the right body parts in this movie, let's put it that way. And these snakes all seemed to have ridiculous smiles on their silly faces, too, all the time. Amusing animals, these creatures.

And this movie was full of catch-phrases. Like the famous Samuel L. Jackson "enough is enough" line. When he said that I thought the entire theater would break out in applause and hoots and hollers, it was one of those moments. But they didn't. Also the "do as I say, and you'll live" line was another good one. It was obvious the people in charge of this movie were hoping this movie would be a huge, huge hit, so that these catch-phrases would sweep the country. Maybe even the world. But no. Alas, this movie is going to only have a small, "cult" audience. It's too bad. Maybe this flick will be a huge hit on DVD, because it seems as if it is the Internet crowd and the technology-type people who were really into this movie. I wouldn't be surprised if the DVD sales go through the roof. But I also wouldn't be surprised if they don't, either. This sure ain't a hit at the box office, that's for sure, even though there was a good, rather young crowd at the theater I was at. And I was surprised, because I expected the theater to be totally empty given all the reports of lousy ticket sales for this movie. Probably too many people scared of snakes.

It just goes to show that the movie-watching public is continuing its pattern of spurning real entertainment at the theaters, while rewarding the mainstream Disney movies and the other boring junk they've flocked to see this year. People have continually complained about the movies this year, but look at the movies they've chosen to watch!!! Da Vinci! Pirates 2! The Break-Up! Now these studios are probably going to order up even more mediocre crap, sequels and remakes galore, and original ideas like Snakes will never see the screen again.

Enough is enough! I've had it with these motherf***ing paying customers rewarding motherf***ing lousy movies instead of good ones! Then they turn around and complain that all the movies out there are junk. Not true. Snakes on a Plane really, truly deserves better after all the effort these folks put into it.

Eighth place at the box office in only its second week; now that is sad.

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