Friday, June 23, 2006

AMERICA'S GOT NO TALENT

One of these days, a TV show will come along that will stay on the air long enough to knock The Jerry Springer Show off its perch as the Worst Show on Television. Unfortunately, the bad shows keep getting cancelled too quickly, so they never last long enough to challenge Jerry's title. Maury and Connie got pulled by MSNBC, and after Connie Chung's hideous strapless singing performance of "Thanks for the Memories", all I will say is that it's too bad this show didn't stay on the air longer; it might have given Jerry a real run for his money.

But there's a new contender on the air. Tonight, I saw America's Got Talent on NBC. All I have to say about this show is: Connie Chung would fit right in.

The talent on the show I watched featured some old woman who sang "God Bless America" (not too well, either), a juggling act, ventriloquism, a bad impressionist act, a magic act where some white dude turned into a black guy, a couple of "women" singing (at least one of them was a woman) while wearing huge wigs, and on and on and on.

I'm sitting at home wondering where they got these people, the nut house? What a freak show this is. These folks looked like they were attempting to do novelty acts for The Ed Sullivan Show. The difference here is that there's no way Ed would have ever allowed any of these people on his stage, sharing it with the Beatles or even Wayne and Shuster for that matter. At least Ed's novelty acts were good. Not these folks.

America's Got Talent has a fighting chance to be the worst show in TV history. In fact, the show ripped off the Are You Hot? judges by having them buzz these acts right off the stage. That's another infamous show, getting ripped off. There were three judges who were able to hit their buzzers to give the "X" to the acts they hated. And they were handing "Xs" out a lot. Three "Xs" and you're out, just like on Family Feud.

My thought was, you know, they needed to make a few changes. What they needed to do was give David Hasselhoff a mallet so he could swing at a gong nearby. And Regis Philbin had to go, too, and be replaced with a more appropriate host. Chuck Barris.

At least The Gong Show didn't take itself seriously during its run, the whole point of it was to be the anti-talent show! Everyone knew the entire show was garbage and that the talent was no good, it was meant to be a big joke! At least it was over after a half hour! But with America's Got Talent, we're stuck watching these fools attempt to perform for a full hour. And they are actually taking themselves seriously at this show, this isn't supposed to be a joke talent contest with some two-dollar prize at the end of it. One of these fools is going to walk away with a million dollars and be the next superstar of America!

Why doesn't NBC simply gong all these idiots on America's Got Talent, and save some bank the agony of handing out a check for a million dollars?! The only reason this show is on the air is because Simon Cowell is behind it and Regis Philbin is on it. This had to be why NBC greenlighted this "sure-fire" ratings hit. But Simon has had only one hit show in the United States, American Idol. Who can forget Cupid, that lousy Cowell-produced dating show on CBS that was loaded with freaks. It sank like a rock. But America's Got Talent is worse; these contestants are a piece of work, ladies and gentlemen.

As for Regis Philbin, he was recruited to host this train wreck because they say he's "just the guy" to "save NBC". After all, he hosted Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, so he's "the guy who saved ABC". He can't even save this freaking show! In fact, he's hardly ever there, it's usually these three judges yapping all the time. With America's Got Talent, Regis' career has hit rock bottom. What Regis needs to save is not NBC, but his own career.

David Hasselhoff ought to do the same; go back to Germany or something, or do another Baywatch sequel. Really, the only thing missing is Connie Chung. America's Got Talent, all right. Too bad none of it is on this show.

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